Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
