So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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