Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
