I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
