dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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