and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
