I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Couch. On fire.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
