I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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