oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
