At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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