Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
