i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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