Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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