Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
