hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
