Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
