Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
