I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
