having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
