she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
