Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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