Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
