Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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