hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
