Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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