Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
