party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
