We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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