I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
