tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
