Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
