At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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