every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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