my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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