Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize