i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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