My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
