I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just had sex on a roof
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
