There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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