listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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