I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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