I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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