Im at strip club and am horny
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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