Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize