my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
