I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
