I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
