I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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