no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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