I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
