did you get engaged???
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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