Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize