i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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