Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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