i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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