Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
