i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
