I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
