I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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