I wish my penis had an off switch
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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