I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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