i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
