i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
