Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
